How to Have an Orgasm... or Not: Part 2

As mentioned (read: ranted about) in my previous article, “How to Have an Orgasm…Or Not,” reaching orgasm can be incredibly complex for a lot of women. There’s no one-size-fits-all fix for this, but there are a few handy tips that can help some… maybe even most… ladies find their hot zone.

Buckle up, ladies. I am going to offer you advice on how to have an orgasm… or not. I must state here that I am not an expert on the subject, but I have been around the block a time or two. As such, I have a bit of wisdom to bestow to those of you unfortunate enough to never have experienced the bliss of orgasm.

Step One: Create a Sexy Space... in your head and in your home. Set the mood. Light some candles. Have a drink; a small dose of alcohol can create a minor buzz that may do wonders to help you de-stress and lower your inhibitions. Put on some mood music… or not. Silence can be an aphrodisiac in today’s hectic, noisy world.

Some women claim that warm baths are a tried and true source of relaxation, but as mentioned in Part One, they can cause problems for others. Besides, the average American bathtub may not provide the wiggle room you need. Beds, on the other hand, are spacious and comfy, and your boudoir is probably an area of your house that you already associate with sexual activity.

Step Two: Keep your temple clean. Don’t offend your vagina with anything you wouldn’t be willing to stick in your mouth. Even then, some things you would gladly stick in your mouth... popsicles, lollipops, really anything sugary... will wreak havoc on the delicate tissue and persnickety ph-balance of the female reproductive system.

On the flip side of that same coin, don’t go overboard on hygiene. Pass on douches and sprays unless specifically instructed by your physician to use them. So-called “feminine hygiene” products often throw your natural balance out of whack. Feel free to take a quick shower if you feel so inclined, and it’s a good idea to at least wash your hands, but aside from that, rejoice! Your goody box has its own wondrous self-cleaning mechanism.

Step Three: Know the territory... because it is, after all, your own. I’ve been told that at the height of the feminist movement, women would gather in drum circles out in the woods, mirrors in tow, and ogle their own vaginas. While vagina viewing en masse is generally not really my cup of tea, there’s certainly nothing wrong with having a gander at what’s going on down there. I recommend a hand mirror for those of you not inclined to engage in acts of contortionism.

I should probably clarify here that when I say “vagina,” I am talking about the external regions of the female reproductive organ. My use of the term is not entirely correct, as the vagina is actually an interior portion of this system, but “vagina” is what most of us heard in sex-ed and commonly use to refer to our hoo-hoos or boxes or muffs or cunts or whatever, so it’s what I’ll go with for now.

Now, there may be shock factor you have to overcome in this step. After all, the vagina is a part of your body that is usually concealed under multiple layers of clothing. When confronting the alien appearance of your vagina, remind yourself that there is nothing weird or dirty about the body parts that polite society asks us to keep concealed; that sense of discomfort people feel when viewing a naked body, even if it’s their own, is not some sort of natural, inborn shame. It is a reaction to seeing something unfamiliar, a reaction that gradually fades with periodic exposure. So know your vag. Love your vag. It’s a key step on the path to orgasmic bliss.

Now that you are thoroughly acquainted with the sight of your nether regions, able to identify your muff in a line-up, should the need present itself... it’s time to move on to the next step.

Step Four: Let your fingers do the talking... but not in the way you may think. Assuming you are alive and human, you have most likely seen pornography. I’ve got some startling news for you: Real vaginas generally do not appreciate sudden, violent penetration. The skin lining your vaginal barrel is very delicate. “Vaginal barrel?” you may ask. Indeed, your vagina is a barrel, just like a shotgun, only pink and soft and infinitely more lethal when wielded properly.

Additionally, there are several stages of human sexual arousal. They do vary a bit from one theory to another, but none of them involve skipping straight from thinking about cooking supper or running board meetings to being adequately aroused and lubricated for comfortable penetration. Do not... I repeat, do not... try to fast forward through foreplay, lest you fall prey to the following unpleasant circumstances:

a) inadvertent injury,
b) insufficient lubrication, and/or
c) dire disappointment.

Arousal is a process, not an instantaneous state of being.

Perhaps most importantly, the vast majority of women have little sensation in their actual vagina; the bulk of their pleasure comes not from penetration, but from clitoral stimulation.

Step Five: Find your Shangri La. In fairness to Mary Jo Rapini, you probably really could Google clitoris and find images that would assist you in finding this cornucopia of sexual pleasure. On the off chance you don’t feel like putting forth that effort... or that you’re scared of what else you’ll find when you Google clitoris... here is a basic guideline for where your clitoris is located: It’s below the pubic bone but near the top of the labia majora and minora (those folds of skin that people incorrectly refer to as “vagina”).

Move the labia out of the way a bit and use your fingertips to find a little nodule, like a button. It’s important to note that finding the elusive but oh-so-important (it’s got more nerve endings than the ENTIRE penis!!) clitoris is not going to be the same for every woman, but you’ll know when you’ve hit it.

I’m fairly certain you can take matters into your own hands from there, so to speak.

Circular rubbing. Pinching. Smacking. Tapping. Twisting. I guarantee that not only has it been attempted by some woman somewhere, but that each method has also resulted in climactic euphoria for at least one of the lucky ladies. So have no fear! You are not alone in this endeavor! Find what you like, and make it your own!

Step Six: Try, try again. You might not find something that readily clicks for you the first time out of the gate. As I said above, sexual arousal is a process, and reaching orgasm is a step in that process. It’s not a state of being you can will yourself to; it’s your body’s natural reaction to the correct degree and type of sexually arousing stimuli. Don’t feel pressured or inadequate because you experience difficulty reaching orgasm. That’s just your body’s way of telling you that the circumstances aren’t quite right. Maybe you’re tired, unable to focus due to stress, not receiving the appropriate stimulation, or just not in the damn mood. There’s nothing wrong with any of that.

In fact, the issues affecting a woman’s ability to reach orgasm are many and varied. They include, but are certainly not limited to: past sexual trauma, a repressed upbringing, illness, cysts, endometriosis, or side effects of certain medications. These are not character defects, and they’re not permanent. They are all things that can be overcome with the proper assistance and guidance. In fact, there are counselors and therapists that dedicate their entire careers to helping men and women with these types of issues; The American Congress of Obstetricians and Gynecologists has literature geared specifically toward these problems. Don’t be afraid or ashamed to reach out for help.

Finally, remember that practice makes perfect. If you stop enjoying what you’re doing, stop doing it, but don’t be afraid to revisit your pursuit of pleasure and approach the issue from another angle... position... oh, you know what I mean. While the purpose of this article is to instruct and assist women in reaching orgasm, go ahead and do yourself the favor of adding an unofficial seventh step: Stop worrying so much about getting off. It’ll free you up to enjoy sexual pleasure as an experience, not the pursuit of a goal. Our society puts excess focus on climax, but all that fun stuff leading up to orgasm is much more than a means to an end. So, if at first you don’t succeed, try, try again... then try it another way... then try it with the warming lube... and the electric toothbrush... but most importantly, don’t forget to enjoy the ride.

PREVIOUSLY | How to Have an Orgasm... or Not

image: WillVision Photography