Ray DeForest: Mannerisms

It was a sunny spring day when mom and I headed to the train. We walked 5 blocks to the “Staten Island Rapid Turtle” as it was called back then, and boarded the 9 am train to the ferry terminal. We got to the end of the line and rushed with the crowds of people to get on the ferry. It was always such a delight for me, seeing all those “grown ups” dressed “fancy” and heading into the city for work. On the ferry, mom always treated me to a soda as we sat by a window and watched the Statue of Liberty float by. I loved those old ferries. There was lots of wood everywhere, theatre posters for Broadway shows and the shoe shine man making sure everyone’s shoes had the perfect shine for the day. Those ferries were featured in a commercial for a cereal back in the 70’s, with kids in red, white and blue outfits singing and dancing as it rolled through the waters of NYC! How I wanted to do that, but mom taught me manners, and I knew that meant I would have to stay seated and behave!

As we rolled into downtown Manhattan, we then boarded the train uptown and arrived at what seemed like a palace to me, The Metropolitan Museum of Art! I stood there and looked at that amazing façade. Mom had decided it was the place to teach me many things that day. We went in and I dropped my quarter into the glass box (there was no “required” fee back then) and the guard gave me a pin to wear that showed I was a “patron of the arts” that day! We wandered through the galleries and stopped at the Monet paintings. Mom told me to look deeply into the painting, first from afar, then closely, to see the “art”. She told me that lavender was her favorite color that day. We sat there for what seemed like hours, and I truly understood. It was breathtaking.

It was time for lunch, and mom and I headed to the “Dorotheum Café” (nicknamed after the designer, Dorothy Draper). It was a spectacular sight. There were huge birdcage chandeliers hanging everywhere and cool modern furniture around a pool fountain. We sat at a table and all I could do was look around and watch all these well-dressed people partake in a noon lunch at the museum. It was so amazing! The waiter came to the table and took our order. (there were no “buffet cafeteria lines” then, this was fancy stuff!) Mom ordered me a “Cornish Hen” with wild rice. I had no idea what that was, but I was anxious to find out. When it arrived at the table, I couldn’t believe what I was looking at! A whole miniature chicken! How was I going to eat that? Mom saw my puzzled look and said it was time I learned how to eat in public. She proceeded to teach me eating manners, and how to handle that miniature piece of perfection!

I’ll never forget that day with mom. I learned so much. She made sure I had the manners and tools to get through anything in life.

A friend of mine, Will, is a Clinical Psychologist. We had a discussion about his work with financially deprived kids who are extremely brilliant but need to learn manners. There are special programs that help them get into exclusive prep schools, but they have problems coping with new situations like eating at a dinner table full of silverware and glasses they have never seen before. I thought it was interesting that so many seem to have forgotten or have never been taught manners and etiquette. There is an author that writes about LGBTQ manners by the name of Steven Petrow. He published a book on this subject back in 1995 called “The Essential Book of Gay Manners and Etiquette.” There are some funny bits like “what the properly dressed leather man wears”, but its an interesting take on things. He now has a web site devoted to this subject, and as I perused it, I came across his “7 Ways to Find a Date or Mate in the New Year”. One of the ways was “Bar Hop”. Remember going to a bar to meet people and actually having a discussion? Does that even happen now? Mom always said that talking was the way people got to know each other and understand each other. When I was first going out to gay bars, there were no cell phones, Internet hook up sites or “grindr”! We had to rely on our own personalities and perseverance to get a date. Recently, I was with friends and someone got on their phone, excused himself and disappeared for an hour. When he returned he admitted he looked on grindr and saw that someone close by was “looking”. WOW! Really? Sexting, grinding, texting… so much is available to us all these days, and it will only get more so. Technology is a way of extending our reach to one another, but sometimes, people seem forget how to act with each other. I guess mom would have added that into my “lessons” if she were teaching me today. I can hear her now… “Remember, when you hook up with someone you don’t know, look them straight in the eye, introduce yourself and give him a firm handshake!” I wonder how that would go over??? Many of my friends call me “Mama Ray”. I take it as a compliment. If my mom taught me well, then it’s my turn to teach others. Manners are always in style. Manners will always play a part in my life and eating a Cornish Hen in public will always be a snap! Thanks mom.

Hugs and love

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